Opinion Laugh for the day.

southsport

Well-Known Member
May 20, 2013
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Daceyville
Confucius did not say:

*Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.*
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*Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.*
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*Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent*
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*Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.*
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*Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.*
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*Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted..*
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*Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.*
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*War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.*
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*Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.*
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*It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.*
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*Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.*
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*Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.*
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*Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.*
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*Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement*
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*One Tree can make one million matches but it only takes one match to destroy one million Trees.*
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*And, Confucius Did Not Say. . .*
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*"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"*
 

RADICAL RABBIT

Well-Known Member
Feb 6, 2018
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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him "if there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says "none." The teacher asks "why?" Johnny says "because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says "no, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher "if you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlour, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says "the one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says "no, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
 
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Bazza

Well-Known Member
Apr 11, 2016
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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him "if there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says "none." The teacher asks "why?" Johnny says "because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says "no, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher "if you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlour, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says "the one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says "no, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
That joke I don't understand - actually.
 
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SSTID

Active Member
Feb 10, 2018
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I saw this one on another site and it was too good not to share especially as "the silly season" is about to end tomorrow night when the 2018 season starts. I have a feeling that someone here may have heard this one already. ;)


The Farmer

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne too!’
‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me I’m celebrating.‘
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’
‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence!’

Courtesy AlbertBell @ warren.rabbitohs.net
 
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SSTID

Active Member
Feb 10, 2018
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I saw a blind man today so I went up to him and said, "you must be blind!" He replied, "tell me something I don't know." So I said, "there's a tree over there." :D

Sorry if I offend anyone btw.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? o_O :confused:
 

SSTID

Active Member
Feb 10, 2018
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What do you call a blind dinosaur?............idontthinkysaurus.
Or... Doyouthinkhesaurus? ;)

A dyslexic man walker into a bra...

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
 
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SSTID

Active Member
Feb 10, 2018
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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him "if there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says "none." The teacher asks "why?" Johnny says "because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says "no, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher "if you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlour, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says "the one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says "no, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
Q. How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
A. Two calves, an ass, a beaver, a shitload of hares, 1 camel toes, and a fish nobody can find.
 
Feb 15, 2018
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Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."
A little girl raises her hand and says, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," the little girl began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
That must've been scary," says the teacher.
"It sure was," says the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'"

"And before he could say 'F*ck!' the rottweiler ate him!"
 
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